


My Own Image

by cihojuda



Series: Domestic Fluff and Deep Conversations [3]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Body Image, Canon Compliant, Canon Trans Character, Cuddling & Snuggling, Developing Relationship, Dialogue Heavy, Dorks in Love, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Holding Hands, Implied/Referenced Sex, Kissing, No Smut, One Shot, References to Gender Dysphoria, after legato conservatory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:42:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25633759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cihojuda/pseuds/cihojuda
Summary: [Prequel, Starblaster-era] Barry talks to Lup about his self-confidence problems.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup
Series: Domestic Fluff and Deep Conversations [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668232
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	My Own Image

**Author's Note:**

> It's Real Emotional Baggage Hours guys gals and nonbinary pals

Barry J. Bluejeans did not consider himself an attractive man.

It had been somewhat of a point of pride in his rebellious teenage years- “I’m not like all those uncool posers, I’m genuine” and things like that. Now it was just kind of depressing. But he’d mostly learned how to roll with it. He hadn’t exactly had dating in mind when he signed on at the IPRE, anyway. If it happened, it happened. And if it didn’t, well fuck, he guessed that was fine. At least he wouldn’t have his heart broken while he was trying to finish his second doctorate.

And it was fine.

Until it wasn’t.

He’d signed up for a two-month research mission beyond the boundaries of the Prime Material Plane, not… Whatever the fuck this was. But like it or not he was stuck here, in the middle of a constant apocalypse with five other chucklefucks and their captain. He realized he was falling for Lup early on in their journey; and at Legato Conservatory, he realized that she had fallen for him too. Their duet performance left him feeling like he was walking on air. The two of them had run off, not even bothering to wait until their work had been accepted by the mountain, hurrying back to the ship and savoring the feeling of _together_ . (And then they had absolutely _mindblowing_ sex. But that's another story.) It all happened so fast that Barry forgot to even think about his body issues until well into the next habitable cycle.

Lup was above him. It was a couple of months into the year and they were still trying to figure out this plane’s locals, but Davenport was certain that he had them on the right course for finding the Light. They were just waiting it out. Everyone was nervous and tense, which meant that Barry would have agreed to just about anything to get his mind off the situation. The fact that the thing was sex with Lup didn’t hurt.

Lup was above him, straddling his waist, tying his hands to her headboard. Barry was almost naked already, waiting beneath her in only his boxers patterned with little red hearts. It would have been really hot if he could just find it in him to fucking _focus..._

He felt her weight shift and the mattress dipped down. Lup was moving lower on his body, trailing kisses across his belly as she went for the band of his underwear and-

Barry squirmed against the bindings and closed his eyes. Instead of helping like it usually did, he just felt worse. “L-lup. Lup, stop, I need… Just- fuck- stop.” He felt the tension on the tie release and rolled over on his side, pulling his arms close to his chest.

The ghost of a touch swept across his shoulder and Barry curled further in on himself. “What’s wrong, babe?” Lup asked gently. “Are the restraints too much? Or did you accidentally eat dairy at dinner again, or...?”

He shook his head. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“N-no.”

“Okay. I’ll be here if you do.” Lup laid down next to him and draped her arm across his chest. It was quiet for a while. With the silencing spells she had put up, no sound was getting into or out of the room for the time being.

Barry hugged one of Lup’s throw pillows. His mind was going a million miles an hour. A dark spot appeared on the fabric of the pillow and he poked it emotionlessly before realizing that he was crying. He felt around for Lup’s hand and brought it to his lips, telling her hoarsely:

“I’m- I just- I’m not good enough for you, Lup. I’m not… I’ve never been. You, you’re… Everything. I can’t tell you how perfect you are. I’m just Barry Bluejeans.” Barry frowned at the wall, the only thing he could see without his glasses. “My eyes don’t work like they’re supposed to, my body is shaped weird, and I’m fat, and I’ve always been fat but there’s nothing I can do because every year I just pop back into existence with this fucking spare tire! A-and I’ve got these big stupid shovel hands and sausage fingers; they’re not good for fucking _anything,_ I feel like a caricature of myself. Y’know I can’t grow facial hair ‘cause it always comes in weird? And I can’t digest _milk?_ I couldn’t swim until we came on this mission. And I’m pretty sure I’m gonna go bald at some point if-”

“Whoa, whoa, easy,” Lup soothed, kissing his hand back. “Take a deep breath for me, Bear. Where’s this coming from?”

He sniffled. “I dunno. I just- Gods, Lup, you’re so beautiful. I can’t believe anybody like you would ever want to have sex with somebody like me.” Barry rolled over slightly to see her face. By this point, he knew every small detail of her appearance. The soft, smooth blue skin, the exact pattern of the freckles on her arms, the fact that her front teeth had come in straight when her brother’s stood slightly apart. All the scars that were left on her body from the hardships that she and Taako had faced as children. Everything, down to the number and position of all her piercings. He had seen her naked a bunch of times- they had all seen each other’s bodies at one point or another, but being naked in front of a sexual partner was way different than the usual context of bathing or medical emergency. There was judgement involved. Judgement that Barry wasn’t certain he wanted to be subjected to.

“We’ve already had sex a couple of times, babe. Was this a problem for you then, too?”

“‘S always been a problem,” Barry muttered. “Never not been. I just- I’m not good-looking. It’s something you grow up knowing.”

Lup made a face and sat up. The two of them shuffled around so her arm was under Barry’s head. She ran a finger across his collarbone as if she was tracing his outline.

“Well, listen, Bear; I don’t know who told you that, but I think you’re pretty okay looking.”

Barry huffed. “You- you don’t have to be nice to me, Lup. I’m a scientist. I know a fact when I see one.”

“That is _not_ a fact,” she told him indignantly. “Barry, I- _I love you._ It hurts me to hear you talk this way about yourself.” Barry’s breath caught in his throat and he moved to cover his face. Lup caught his hand. “You’re clearly researching using a biased source, so let me help you correct it,” she said, kissing each one of his fingers. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your bod. Your eyes might not know how to see good, and you can’t have a certain kind of animal milk, but so what? That doesn’t have anything to do with my attraction for you.”

“I-”

“Shh.” Lup swiped her thumb across Barry’s cheek. “Y’know what I love about you, Barry? You always want to help. You care so deeply about everything you do, and sometimes you’re just so godsdamned funny that I can’t believe you don’t laugh at your own jokes. I don’t think there’s any kind of ‘guy like you’ that a girl like me wouldn’t want to sleep with.” His breathing was starting to even out. “And there’s no problem with the way you look, babe. I don’t think you’re weirdly shaped at all. And so what if you’re a little squishy, who cares? It’s definitely not a ‘spare tire’ like you think it is, and I don’t really give a shit if anybody else wants to judge you for it. I like your body, Barry. You’re… solid. I know everybody else thinks Magnus gives the best hugs; but you, you’re so grounding. Everything else we’ve known since we left home has turned to dust at the end of a year except the seven of us and you’re one of the things that’s been keeping me sane.” Lup kissed the side of his head and muttered, “So what if there’s more of you than you think there should be? It’s just more solid ground for me to land on.”

Barry covered her hand with his own. “I… I love you too, Lup. I have for a long time.” He stared at the ceiling, not really seeing it. After a while, he found that he’d stopped crying, and turned to hide his face in Lup’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” she replied. “There’s nothing you have to apologize for. I’m glad you told me.”

“It’s, uh… It’s not gonna fix me, y’know. But I’m, um, thanks. For listening to me.”

Lup ran her fingers through Barry’s hair. “Yeah, I know. Talking about things didn’t fix the issues I had with my bod, either.”

“What?” he asked, taken aback. “What are you talking about? Lup, I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about you. When did you ever not know how beautiful you are?” He felt her sigh next to his ear.

“Took a lot of work to look the way I wanted to. You know elves don’t really do the whole gender binary thing the way humans do; but still, dysphoria is a bitch. Talking about it with Taako was the only way I had to work through it until we could get enough gold for me to transition. It never solved anything, but him knowing how I was feeling made me feel like I was less alone.” Lup pulled back and kissed Barry’s forehead. “I don’t want you to think I’m telling you this to one-up you. I just want you to know I understand. I meant what I said, babe: I love you and there’s nothing you can do to change that.” She extended her hand, and he took it. "But if we're gonna do this, you need to let me help you be nice to yourself. Deal?"

"Deal."

"Good," she said, pushing him back into the pillows. "Now if we're not gonna get our bone on, let's at least get a nap in. Gods know we're gonna need it." With that, Lup wound herself around Barry and pulled the blankets over them both.

Barry finally smiled. No matter what else he could say about his body, at least he would always know how well it fit together with Lup’s.

And that was fine by him.

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Projecting my relationship onto Blupjeans? Nooooooo.  
> Side note: I'm not trans, so I tried to keep Lup's part as vague as possible so that I wouldn't accidentally get something wrong.


End file.
